Consumeranity
Warning....satire... I wrote this a few days ago, but Greg's "Weary, I'm Weary" posting referring to the Saddleback madness prompted me to post it. Seems I wasn't as far off as I thought...sigh...here goes...
Yesterday a friend of mine was talking about how we Christians have been taken captive by consumerism. He said that consumerism is so much a part of our culture that we aren't even aware of the problem. That I needed to start thinking about whether Success, or Jesus Christ, is the controlling passion in my life. He even insinuated that I was more concerned about myself, my family, and our stuff than following Christ's teachings. And that I loved the world more than God and other people.
I had no idea what he was talking about. What a jerk!
And the fact that he had slammed me so hard about it was still annoying me as I herded Madison and Dakota into the back of our new jet black SUV and pulled out of the driveway on our way to church. The DVD player in the back was doing a good job of distracting the kids, and I quickly found myself singing along to the catchy new soda drink commercials on Satellite radio. Barbie is sitting next to me, catching me up on the latest world news. "Did you know that Brad Pitt is in Africa with Angelina and Maddox again? And Lyndsey Lohan looks awful! Has she lost even more weight? And what is she wearing?" "Hey, do you think another hurricane will make fuel prices go up even more?" I half-nod in agreement, then tune out.
The commute across town flys by fast though, and as we pull into our newly paved 10 acre parking lot the familiar "Welcome to Super ChurchMart" TV billboard is there to greet us with friendly flashing images and smiling faces. Hmmm, seems the pastor will be talking today about "How to have a great life now." I can't wait to hear what he has to say, he obviously knows what he is talking about, since his book about this has been on the bestseller lists for months now. I must remember to pick up a sale copy on the way out.
The parking attendants are slow today. There must have been too many attenders in the service that just finished. Why can't they just go to the Country and Western or Deathmetal services at one of the other satellite church locations? Selfish!
We find a parking spot, and a minute later the ChurchMart shuttle bus comes by. I notice the cool new poster on the side. It reads, "Your success is our passion." Wow, I love this great church! They are passionate about the very same thing as me!
As we cruise along the rows of cars the voice-over coming through the surround-sound speakers are telling me about the new wireless facilities available around the upgraded church campus. I turn on my Pocket PC, and start surfing for better prices on the new mePod color MP3 player that just came out. I hear music from the new worship CD series that the church just put out. Wow, cool, it sounds just like the jingles I heard on the radio. I can't stop my foot tapping to the catchy tune, and the words are really helping me prepare for worship. I catch myself singing along: "Meee....It's all about meeee...Mmmmm I love the way God loves me... When he wraps his arms around me..." The next song is even better, "Oops you did it again, came into my heart, oh Jesus Jesus...I'm just so thankful you died just for me...your blood makes me clean, and it aint no lie, die die die...die DIE!" Great stuff!
Then we reach the front of the building and walk into the new welcome center, the sumptous carpet gently caressing my new lime-green plastic sandles. Mmmm. The smell of fresh bagels and the Churchbucks coffee takes hold of me right away, so I send Barbie off with the kids to get my usual cinnamon bagel and ice-soy ChristoCino with extra cream. "Don't forget the dollar menu burgers and fries for the kids, dear!" Man, this welcome center is worth every penny of the million dollars that we spent on it. And to think we almost blew that money on missions. What were they thinking?
There's Dan. "Hey Dan, how's things? Did you get the raise? How's your new house working out? Did you get that homeless family kicked off your nature strip? Gone now? Great. I still can't believe that they came back begging for food that second time! Well, at least you won't have to worry about them lowering your property values now."
"Ah. Here's Barbie and the kids. Gotta go Dan." We walk past the smiling line of happy-face buttoned greeters and sit somewhere where we can see the video screen properly. Last time we got stuck behind a column and could only see the left half of the pastor's face as he spoke. Wait a minute, this is COOL. The seats now have little TV screens in the back, just like on the airlines. I watch the kids faces light up as they tune their's to kids-church, while Barbie and I dial up the worship channel and slip on our own noise-cancelling headphones. I look around at the sea of worshipping faces, and thank God that I am alive. I forget all about the annoying tirade yesterday as I bask in the experience of singing the beautiful words of the worship song, "He loves me, God loves me, and nothing else matters. He gives me everything I need, and so much more besides. I'm so glad to be alive." I'm so focused on worshipping that I almost miss admiring the worship leader's breasts through her lowcut top. The camera does a super close-up. Wow, check out her custom "I love Jesus" dreamcatcher stomach tattoo. Man, I love these new TV's. I glance over to Barbie, and notice that she has is fawning over some Jude Law lookalike in the next row. I poke her ribs and scowl at her as she turns me a guilty eye.
I slide my credit card through the slot in the chair when the offering time comes, and flip through the news and sale items on the ChurchMart website as the lead guitarist winds up his flashpan solo. Worship is over, the video screens flash as the pastor is introduced.
"Welcome to ChurchMart!" he says, as the day's attendence figures and offering profits scroll across the bottom of the screens. "We are now live in over 10 satellite campus locations. Everyone give a big ChurchMart welcome to Melbourne, Moscow, and Atlanta. And remember, if anyone has a prayer request, pick up your cellphone and dial 1-800-Jesus4Me. Our new Indian call-center in Madras has trained operators waiting to take your requests. Or simply use your chair's touchpad to email them, the address is Jesus4Me@ChurchMart.com."
He continues, "We promise that ChurchMart can meet all your needs. We have everything you could possibly desire. All available, all the time. Why go to the world, when we already have it all right here, right now? I have seen the future, and the future is now!"
Meanwhile, 6000 children perish from AIDS in Ethiopia while a mother weeps in the warzone for her slain child. Another homeless man drowns when the drainage pipe he sleeps in floods, as thousands of tsunami survivers continue their struggle to find medicine for their sicknesses, shelter for their families, and food to eat that day.
And Jesus' words hang in the air like steel clouds, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...You are the light of the world...You are the salt of the earth...Love your enemies...Do not lust...Be perfect, as your heavenly father is perfect...Practice your religion for God's pleasure since your Father in heaven, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you...You cannot love God and money...Do not worry about this life...Seek God's will and his goodness first of all...Do unto others as you would have them do to you...however hears these words of mine and does not do them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand; it fell with a great crash...teach them to obey all I have commanded you..."
Yesterday a friend of mine was talking about how we Christians have been taken captive by consumerism. He said that consumerism is so much a part of our culture that we aren't even aware of the problem. That I needed to start thinking about whether Success, or Jesus Christ, is the controlling passion in my life. He even insinuated that I was more concerned about myself, my family, and our stuff than following Christ's teachings. And that I loved the world more than God and other people.
I had no idea what he was talking about. What a jerk!
And the fact that he had slammed me so hard about it was still annoying me as I herded Madison and Dakota into the back of our new jet black SUV and pulled out of the driveway on our way to church. The DVD player in the back was doing a good job of distracting the kids, and I quickly found myself singing along to the catchy new soda drink commercials on Satellite radio. Barbie is sitting next to me, catching me up on the latest world news. "Did you know that Brad Pitt is in Africa with Angelina and Maddox again? And Lyndsey Lohan looks awful! Has she lost even more weight? And what is she wearing?" "Hey, do you think another hurricane will make fuel prices go up even more?" I half-nod in agreement, then tune out.
The commute across town flys by fast though, and as we pull into our newly paved 10 acre parking lot the familiar "Welcome to Super ChurchMart" TV billboard is there to greet us with friendly flashing images and smiling faces. Hmmm, seems the pastor will be talking today about "How to have a great life now." I can't wait to hear what he has to say, he obviously knows what he is talking about, since his book about this has been on the bestseller lists for months now. I must remember to pick up a sale copy on the way out.
The parking attendants are slow today. There must have been too many attenders in the service that just finished. Why can't they just go to the Country and Western or Deathmetal services at one of the other satellite church locations? Selfish!
We find a parking spot, and a minute later the ChurchMart shuttle bus comes by. I notice the cool new poster on the side. It reads, "Your success is our passion." Wow, I love this great church! They are passionate about the very same thing as me!
As we cruise along the rows of cars the voice-over coming through the surround-sound speakers are telling me about the new wireless facilities available around the upgraded church campus. I turn on my Pocket PC, and start surfing for better prices on the new mePod color MP3 player that just came out. I hear music from the new worship CD series that the church just put out. Wow, cool, it sounds just like the jingles I heard on the radio. I can't stop my foot tapping to the catchy tune, and the words are really helping me prepare for worship. I catch myself singing along: "Meee....It's all about meeee...Mmmmm I love the way God loves me... When he wraps his arms around me..." The next song is even better, "Oops you did it again, came into my heart, oh Jesus Jesus...I'm just so thankful you died just for me...your blood makes me clean, and it aint no lie, die die die...die DIE!" Great stuff!
Then we reach the front of the building and walk into the new welcome center, the sumptous carpet gently caressing my new lime-green plastic sandles. Mmmm. The smell of fresh bagels and the Churchbucks coffee takes hold of me right away, so I send Barbie off with the kids to get my usual cinnamon bagel and ice-soy ChristoCino with extra cream. "Don't forget the dollar menu burgers and fries for the kids, dear!" Man, this welcome center is worth every penny of the million dollars that we spent on it. And to think we almost blew that money on missions. What were they thinking?
There's Dan. "Hey Dan, how's things? Did you get the raise? How's your new house working out? Did you get that homeless family kicked off your nature strip? Gone now? Great. I still can't believe that they came back begging for food that second time! Well, at least you won't have to worry about them lowering your property values now."
"Ah. Here's Barbie and the kids. Gotta go Dan." We walk past the smiling line of happy-face buttoned greeters and sit somewhere where we can see the video screen properly. Last time we got stuck behind a column and could only see the left half of the pastor's face as he spoke. Wait a minute, this is COOL. The seats now have little TV screens in the back, just like on the airlines. I watch the kids faces light up as they tune their's to kids-church, while Barbie and I dial up the worship channel and slip on our own noise-cancelling headphones. I look around at the sea of worshipping faces, and thank God that I am alive. I forget all about the annoying tirade yesterday as I bask in the experience of singing the beautiful words of the worship song, "He loves me, God loves me, and nothing else matters. He gives me everything I need, and so much more besides. I'm so glad to be alive." I'm so focused on worshipping that I almost miss admiring the worship leader's breasts through her lowcut top. The camera does a super close-up. Wow, check out her custom "I love Jesus" dreamcatcher stomach tattoo. Man, I love these new TV's. I glance over to Barbie, and notice that she has is fawning over some Jude Law lookalike in the next row. I poke her ribs and scowl at her as she turns me a guilty eye.
I slide my credit card through the slot in the chair when the offering time comes, and flip through the news and sale items on the ChurchMart website as the lead guitarist winds up his flashpan solo. Worship is over, the video screens flash as the pastor is introduced.
"Welcome to ChurchMart!" he says, as the day's attendence figures and offering profits scroll across the bottom of the screens. "We are now live in over 10 satellite campus locations. Everyone give a big ChurchMart welcome to Melbourne, Moscow, and Atlanta. And remember, if anyone has a prayer request, pick up your cellphone and dial 1-800-Jesus4Me. Our new Indian call-center in Madras has trained operators waiting to take your requests. Or simply use your chair's touchpad to email them, the address is Jesus4Me@ChurchMart.com."
He continues, "We promise that ChurchMart can meet all your needs. We have everything you could possibly desire. All available, all the time. Why go to the world, when we already have it all right here, right now? I have seen the future, and the future is now!"
Meanwhile, 6000 children perish from AIDS in Ethiopia while a mother weeps in the warzone for her slain child. Another homeless man drowns when the drainage pipe he sleeps in floods, as thousands of tsunami survivers continue their struggle to find medicine for their sicknesses, shelter for their families, and food to eat that day.
And Jesus' words hang in the air like steel clouds, "Blessed are the poor in spirit...Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...You are the light of the world...You are the salt of the earth...Love your enemies...Do not lust...Be perfect, as your heavenly father is perfect...Practice your religion for God's pleasure since your Father in heaven, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you...You cannot love God and money...Do not worry about this life...Seek God's will and his goodness first of all...Do unto others as you would have them do to you...however hears these words of mine and does not do them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand; it fell with a great crash...teach them to obey all I have commanded you..."
posted by Paul at 9/15/2005 01:09:00 PM
2 Comments:
How did they manage to build their Comfort Center and Concierge Desk for a mere million? I'm assuming that they put a call out to all the francise locations for professionals of every stripe, that they might consider this their spiritual service. It's win-win, that way. No pesky cussing laborers on your spiritual grounds. God's workmen offering their skills for his glory (not to mention takin a nice tax deduction for their donated services through the LLC set up for just that purpose).
This is the most emotionally draining post I think I have ever read on this topic. It had me laughing...then crying...then lamenting. Thanks for taking the time to so creatively post on such a serious topic, in a way that may just get some people to THINK, who otherwise wont.
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