Some Initial Thoughts on Family

Here are some provocative thoughts from page 15 of Jeff VanVonderen's excellent little book: Families Where Grace is in Place.

Too often, though, the work we try to do as Christian spouses and parents is not the right job at all. We focus on "unspiritual" or wrong behavior, then we set out to apply pressure, control behavior, and do everything in our power to change our spouse or children...

When people spend their lives trying to transform their spouse and kids, the natural result is tiredness and discouragement and the desire to quit...

The first step is easy- if we will do it: We must learn the simple difference between God's job and ours...God's job is to fix and to change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip. This is the work of grace. And it is more restful than you can imagine.

I must have long had an intuitive understanding that this is right. There have not been any "aha!" moments in reading VanVonderen yet. More like a continual head nodding (is that a crick in my neck now?) as he confirms and explains things that I seemed to already hold to, at least at a basic level.

Grace toward others. It's about giving the other person the space for God to work in their life, which he is already doing whether we realize it or not. Giving them the freedom to choose to embrace the work of God in themselves or not. This demonstrates respect not only for them, but also for the activity of God in them.

I would like to think that I have seen enough controlling relational behavior in others to recognize it when I see it. In others. And in myself.  I think there is an underlying mindset based on placing limits on the grace of God. This narrow vision leads to exclusion, control and condemnation of others. I have been guilty of an exclusionary mindset when it comes to God - thinking that his activity is limited to Christians alone. Or even, God forbid(!),  me alone. I to erect boundaries around the grace and love of God and shut people out, even if only in my mind. This is wrong, and I am deeply sorry for the times when I have done this. Don't we like to think that we are the ones with the direct line to God? But God loves the whole world (John 3:16; 1 John 2:2). 

I would like to think that I never take the role of God in pre-judging others based on where I think they stand with God. Yet this bounded mindset is the same as that of the ones in Jesus' parable of the Samaritan that passed by the despised one on the side of the road. Jesus was condemning the lawyer's lack of compassion, his lack of understanding as to who his neighbor really was. Surely "neighbor" does not include those I despise? But Jesus knew his compassion and love for neighbor was constrained because his vision of the compassion and grace of God was too small. When we put God and other people in tidy, neat boxes to suit our theology, cultural preferences, need for comfort, gender biases or whatever, then we may miss what God is doing because we are unable to see it. Even when it is right in front of our noses. After all, the members of our family are our neighbors too.

So this holistic and comprehensive understanding of God's grace and providential care applies particularly strongly to our family. We have the greatest ability to love those to whom we are closest. Our calling in family is not to try to play the role of God and "fix" everyone else. That leads to manipulative, controlling behavior on our part, and perhaps passivity and/or rebellion from the target of our reforming efforts.

There is a vast gap between the biblical mandate for husbands and fathers to love and to nurture their family (Ephesians 5:21-30; 6:4) and our sinful, natural tendency to coerce and control. Can I love my spouse and children without feeling like it is also my job to change them?