Families Where Grace is in Place: Ch. 2 - Our Detour from God's Plan

VanVonderen devotes the first section of his book to looking at what goes wrong in family relationships.

Here are some thoughts from chapter two ("Our Detour from God's Plan") of VanVonderen's book: Families Where Grace is in Place:

"In Genesis 3, we find what is traditionally called "the Curse." In this passage, God said to the woman, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. (v. 16). First, came the impulse to blame. Then God was simply revealing the self-centered core that was beginning to motivate each of them: The woman would continue to draw life and nurturing from a man who was not capable of filling these deep needs - never was and never will be. And the man would be forever trying to rule over the woman, either aggressively or passively trying to keep her quiet about his inadequacy to fill her needs. Each would demand love, respect, nurturing from the other. And as the generations of their children passed, men and women would forget that they were never supposed to draw their life from each other." (p. 21).

God's plan was that man and woman "rule together, dependent on Him, mirroring His triune image in the way we relate in love to each other" (Ibid.) I love that the author here focuses on the thrust of the narrative and thus gets to the heart of the nature of the Curse as described in Genesis 3.

Thus we see the Curse expressed in relationship dynamics of "dominance and control, however carefully mastered in spiritualized terms, whether passive and subtle or aggressive and obvious" (p. 22). But "It is not our job as Christians to carry out the Curse" because God has given us a new plan, which is meant to set us free, and is not powered by "more spiritualized" means of dominating: That is only splashing white paint over an old and deadly spirit of legalism" (p. 23). Lipstick on a pig - right?

"It is not our job to perform the Curse more nicely, or in a more spiritual way than the rest of the world does. It is our wonderful freedom to grow in relationships that carry out God's plan" (Ibid.).

So what are some ways that you have just performed "the Curse more nicely?"

Some Initial Thoughts on Family

Here are some provocative thoughts from page 15 of Jeff VanVonderen's excellent little book: Families Where Grace is in Place.

Too often, though, the work we try to do as Christian spouses and parents is not the right job at all. We focus on "unspiritual" or wrong behavior, then we set out to apply pressure, control behavior, and do everything in our power to change our spouse or children...

When people spend their lives trying to transform their spouse and kids, the natural result is tiredness and discouragement and the desire to quit...

The first step is easy- if we will do it: We must learn the simple difference between God's job and ours...God's job is to fix and to change. Our job is to depend, serve, and equip. This is the work of grace. And it is more restful than you can imagine.

I must have long had an intuitive understanding that this is right. There have not been any "aha!" moments in reading VanVonderen yet. More like a continual head nodding (is that a crick in my neck now?) as he confirms and explains things that I seemed to already hold to, at least at a basic level.

Grace toward others. It's about giving the other person the space for God to work in their life, which he is already doing whether we realize it or not. Giving them the freedom to choose to embrace the work of God in themselves or not. This demonstrates respect not only for them, but also for the activity of God in them.

I would like to think that I have seen enough controlling relational behavior in others to recognize it when I see it. In others. And in myself.  I think there is an underlying mindset based on placing limits on the grace of God. This narrow vision leads to exclusion, control and condemnation of others. I have been guilty of an exclusionary mindset when it comes to God - thinking that his activity is limited to Christians alone. Or even, God forbid(!),  me alone. I to erect boundaries around the grace and love of God and shut people out, even if only in my mind. This is wrong, and I am deeply sorry for the times when I have done this. Don't we like to think that we are the ones with the direct line to God? But God loves the whole world (John 3:16; 1 John 2:2). 

I would like to think that I never take the role of God in pre-judging others based on where I think they stand with God. Yet this bounded mindset is the same as that of the ones in Jesus' parable of the Samaritan that passed by the despised one on the side of the road. Jesus was condemning the lawyer's lack of compassion, his lack of understanding as to who his neighbor really was. Surely "neighbor" does not include those I despise? But Jesus knew his compassion and love for neighbor was constrained because his vision of the compassion and grace of God was too small. When we put God and other people in tidy, neat boxes to suit our theology, cultural preferences, need for comfort, gender biases or whatever, then we may miss what God is doing because we are unable to see it. Even when it is right in front of our noses. After all, the members of our family are our neighbors too.

So this holistic and comprehensive understanding of God's grace and providential care applies particularly strongly to our family. We have the greatest ability to love those to whom we are closest. Our calling in family is not to try to play the role of God and "fix" everyone else. That leads to manipulative, controlling behavior on our part, and perhaps passivity and/or rebellion from the target of our reforming efforts.

There is a vast gap between the biblical mandate for husbands and fathers to love and to nurture their family (Ephesians 5:21-30; 6:4) and our sinful, natural tendency to coerce and control. Can I love my spouse and children without feeling like it is also my job to change them? 

Classic Rock Veteran

Seems like I knew more about classic rock than I thought...at least based on this quiz.... 

The Veteran You scored 88%!

You've picked up the majority of the classic rock basics. You probably have a classic rock collection and can sing along with most of the songs on your local radio station. This is not the highest score, but it is arguably the best: that subtle combination of impressive knowledge and not being a pretentious geek.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on notes

Link: The BASIC classic rock Test written by allmydays

Technorati tags: Classic Rock

Learning About Family as Vocation

Here is an excerpt from my learning contract for the Training and Mentoring program at Denver Seminary this semester:

A major challenge I have faced for a long time is the continual  need to balance work, family and study. This has been a constant struggle throughout my various degree programs over the last six years. Therefore, having focused on vocation particularly in the context of my profession last semester, I would like now to deepen my understanding and practice of my theology of vocation in the context of my family.

Last semester I worked on developing  a holistic working theology of vocation in response to my personal struggle with understanding what God expects of me vocationally. Through this process I made breakthroughs in seeing how my marriage, parenting, studying, church involvement, mentoring, profession etc all fit together as significant aspects of my overall calling. I have moved beyond a mere superficial approach to develop a much deeper understanding of God's call on my life and how that can be expressed in every part of my life as purposeful and sacred work.

I want to know what a healthy Christian family should look like and how I can make my family a place where we can all thrive together. I see this effort as part of my overall program to realize a deeper holistic sense of call for every aspect of my life.

As a husband and father I have never intentionally focused on my family as an area needing development. We have a happy and fruitful family dynamic, but I want to ensure that I have done everything I can to integrate my callings as husband and father within the plexus of my overall vocational understanding and praxis. I struggle at times with not shortchanging my family as I pursue my other passions. For example, my family has, in the past, had to sacrifice because of seminary commitments. This is an ongoing crucial concern between now and graduation as I juggle responsibilities between my family and the demands of my degree program at Denver Seminary. It is my hope and prayer that this learning contract will enable me to incorporate the requirements of the training and mentoring program into the fabric of my family life, and thus have my degree program work for my family instead of against it.

External challenges I will face include knowing how best to schedule time with both Becky alone and also with the kids. With young children it can be difficult to get quality time together as a couple, and also to find good things to do together as a family, when having to also fit in with class and work demands and schedules. With regards to internal challenges, I want to learn how I can grow more in these areas with an attitude of humility rather than thinking that I already have it all together as a husband and father. I also want to learn how to sacrifice for my wife and children and how to have compassion and empathy for them so I can serve them better as father and husband.

What I want firstly to be manifest from this learning contract are visible benefits of my family actually directly enjoying the fruits of my learning and growth (for a change). I also would like to see balance and harmony rather than conflict and shortchanging from integrating my callings as software professional, student and family man. Finally, I want to experience God at work in these areas as he guides and empowers me vocationally in all of life.

Goal: Apply my theology of vocation to my family life in community with God and others so that I can achieve balance and a deeper holistic sense of call as a Christian software professional, student and family man."

Tagged by Timberland - 5 Things About Me

Tim tagged me. Actually, he did this weeks ago. Between seminary kicking back in and my workload etc, tonight is my first real chance to cough up the goods.

Let me say up front that I have no one else to tag. I must live a solitary virtual existence. So this chain letter ends with me.

1. What’s the most fun work you’ve ever done, and why?

What I am doing right now.

2.

A. Name one thing you did in the past that you no longer do but wish you did?

Ride a superbike.

B. Name one thing you’ve always wanted to do but keep putting off.

Take another long vacation.

3.

A. What two things would you most like to learn or be better at, and why?

 1. Spanish. My wife speaks it, and I keep meeting people both at work and Latinos around Denver that I would love to be able to talk to.

 2. Family man. This is what I chose for my learning contract for the training and mentoring course for my Denver Seminary degree program this semester. I hope to get better at loving my family.

B. If you could take a class/workshop/ apprentice from anyone in the world living or dead, who would it be and what would you hope to learn? 

Thomas Reid.

Some common sense. <grin>

4.

A. What three words might your best friends or family use to describe you?

"Sporadically Moronic Genius." Of course, they wouldn't use these words. But I think this is what they would be getting at.

B. Now list two more words you wish described you.

Awesome Programmer.

5. What are your top three passions?

God. Family. Study.

OK.  I'm up to 5 things now. I hereby call this navel-gazing session to an end. I'd be interested

Car Accident

Friday last week...This is what happens when another driver does not watch where they are going...

Becky and the kids are fine...