Spring is Here!

Sunrise  over our backyard this week

Parenting and Discipline

"Parenting is not like training a dog, though some psychologists would have us believe this is so. Training animals is mostly about behavior modification, teaching them how to respond in relation to punishments and rewards. Parenting is about discipline - that is discipling, or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom." (emphasis mine)

From p. 115 of VanVonderen's book: Families Where Grace is in Place

This is a very contrary view of discipline from what I see in many families where behavior control rather than teaching wisdom (i.e. skill in living) seems to be more the concern. Children are treated more like Pavlov's dogs than people, with candy as the currency in the family economy.

In our family we talk about learning to choose wisely. There are consequences to all our choices, and sometimes it is the unpleasant duty of Mum and Dad to enforce those consequences for our kids. But that allows us to imbue grace and love to our kids in preparing them to eventually make wise choices on their own one day.

VanVonderen suggests that parents create an environment in which we can "Train up a child in the way he should go..." (Proverbs 22:6). by ensuring that they can:

• learn to respect their own sexuality and that of others.
• learn to become competent at their developmental jobs.
• learn to live consistently with their unique identity as people.
• learn to live consistently with their identity in Christ.

Training them to respect sexuality is about recognizing that girls and boys are equally special. Stereotyping and other forms of generalization can be not only insensitive, but downright harmful. We need to think about the messages that we are sending our kids, based on our own attitudes.

    This means, at least in part, equal opportunities for both boys and girls to participate in family activities (even ones more traditionally thought of as "boys-only" or "girls-only"). Also, respecting and embracing the individual differences in style and preference that our children possess. 

One thing that I seem to constantly trip up on is failing to understand where my kids are at developmentally. This leads to unrealistic expectations on my part. For example, Jack is a four year old boy (soon to be five!) who - more often than not - seems to have difficultly staying focused on daily routine-type tasks.

Washing his hands in the bathroom has been known to take 20 minutes, and use up half a container of our yellow liquid soap in the process, so that by the time he has finished the sink that looks like a giant yellow slug just crawled through it. And being "done" is no guarantee that that his hands are not still dirty, wet or soapy.

My problem is that this can be very frustrating if I am in a hurry to do something that I want to do right away, like get started on eating dinner! It is easy to forget that (1) this is what four-year olds are like so I should be grateful that he is washing his hands at all, and (2) Jack is an "ideas guy" (like his Dad), so staying focused on maintenance-type tasks in the real world can be a special challenge when there is a whole infinite universe of cool ideas out there waiting to be thought about. I understand better now what I must have put my parents through.

How to test if your 4 year old kid is an "ideas guy/girl"

Try this test. Give them a tricycle, bicycle, and strap with ties on each end - then see what they do. If 15 minutes later your kid has MacGuyvered together a "tow truck" apparatus and is "taking his car to the mechanic to have it fixed" (see picture - firefighter gumboots and all), then he may be "an ideas guy." I'm sure that this test will also work for a girl of the same age, though I will have to wait a couple of years before I can verify that.

So Many People...

"So many people view the church or Christian family as simply an environment whose purposes is to exert positive peer pressure. This is simply behavior modification in a religious context."

From p. 71 of VanVonderen's book: Families Where Grace is in Place

A Midday Prayer

God of mercy,
this midday moment of rest
is your welcome gift.
Bless the work we have begun,
and make good its defects
and let us finish it in a way that pleases you.
Grant this through Christ our Lord.

 

From p. 55 of The Divine Hours: Prayers for Springtime (Tickle, Phyllis)